I have started to record some of the tender mercies that Heavenly Father has given to me and a few that have been given to Mario. We are overwhelmed with the love that Heavenly Father has for us as we are going through a very difficult time. I started this blog entry months ago, but its been hard to write my feelings and I have worried that I would leave out important details. But I guess forgetting some things are better than not recording them at all. So I will proceed the best I can with such a spiritual and deeply personal blog entry in hopes that my children can see the hand of the Lord in all things.
When Eric was 7, Mario went to give Eric a blessing when he was sick. The words wouldn't come to Mario and at first Mario was worried that Eric would not heal. I prayed my heart out to Heavenly Father each day for weeks begging him to not take my son from me. But as time went on, my prayers changed. I told Heavenly Father that I trusted in his Plan and that if that's what he needed to do, I would get through it. Obviously, Eric recovered and was fine. I include that scary experience as a tender mercy because 10 years later, I receive a prompting from Heavenly Father that told me that I was going to lose a child and that I needed to prepare myself now. Instead of spending weeks begging him not to take a child like I did earlier, I spent the time preparing myself. I had already been through that process of reconciling my will to His will. Instead of praying that it wouldn't happen at all, I prayed that it wouldn't be by suicide. I immediately got my answer. He told me that it wasn't my choice. It wasn't in a mean way. It was just a matter-of-fact way. I know we all have our free agency and I know that Heavenly Father has a bigger picture and I just have to put my trust in Him. So suicide was something I worried about but also knew that it was really out of my hands.
The last couple years have been a blessing. Mario's job allowed for him to work only 12-15 days a month and the rest of the time he was home with me. We needed that time to draw closer together as a couple. The last few months of her life brought many tender mercies. She actually told us about her third grade teacher molesting her. She also mentioned a primary teacher but had no other details. We couldn't figure out what had changed her so much the last couple years. It was obvious she was suffering from some kind of depression but the counselors kept telling us she was fine. So we were left to wonder what was going on. Now that she told us, we knew and as horrific as it was, at least we could try to understand her pain. Many victims don't tell for decades so I have to believe that her telling us is another tender mercy. She agreed to family pictures which turned out beautifully. She hadn't let us take pictures of her in a couple years. What a treasure to have those pictures now. She also took lots of pictures in Spain which we will always enjoy. One of the last things she did at the beach was to write "I love you" in the sand and she took a picture of it with a phone she shared with Mario. We feel that is a message she left for her family and friends.
Before leaving for Spain, a friend had suggested a class on depression for a RS activity. I found a psychologist in the ward who did a beautiful job presenting information not only on that but also PTSD and what these things do to our brains. She brought picture illustrations to demonstrate how a person's brain is physically changed. It was frightening at the time but now gives me peace that Erin really wasn't responsible for her actions. I also attended a RS training meeting with another counselor and she explained how we need to be mindful. I have never suffered from depression and have never had issues with forcing myself to "be in the moment" and not distracted. Well, that is a lesson that is very useful to me now. It is easy to be distracted and let my mind wander, but I am constantly reminding myself to be mindful.
More tender mercies came in the form of how much time our family had to spend with Erin the last 5 weeks of her life. If we were in the US, she would have spent that time with friends and plugged into her iPod. But instead, we spent so much time at the parks, beaches, restaurants, and just exploring Madrid. What a blessing to have those memories from the last few weeks.
Many tender mercies came in the form of those people around us in Madrid. These people didn't know us, but they were there for us as if they had known us their entire lives. It would take several pages to write about all the people, but to name a few-Tad Jessop who opened his home to us immediately, Frank Torano who became our biggest advocate and did EVERYTHING for us so we didn't have to do anything, the Spain Ambassador who visited our home to offer condolences and then gave us a beautiful apartment to live in until we could fly out, the German Bishop's family (the Vierbuchen family), the new Madrid Mission President's family (Brother and Sister Pack), and all the other American families who brought us food and comfort. One tender mercy came when Sister Pack asked where we were from. When Mario told her Miami, she asked if he knew Henry Marinello. That was Mario's old Bishop who was instrumental in getting him on a mission. Mario had been trying to contact him for years but had the wrong number. He was able to close himself off in the mission president's office and call his old Bishop. Bishop Marinello said the things that Mario needed to hear at a very difficult time. What a blessing. I was actually sad to leave these new friends in Spain. They will always be very dear to me and it is true what they say-we are truly the Savior's hands. Heavenly Father sent these angels to help us in a time of our greatest need.
Not only did we have so many friends there, but we had family and friends back here that were offering so many prayers on our behalf. They sent many emails, visited the temple, and fasted for our family. We felt their love and it helped ease our grief.
My brother, Billy, is the Bishop of his ward in Florida and he held the funeral for us. He thought of every detail and it made for an absolutely perfect day. Plus my parents found us a funeral home. The funeral home didn't try to sell us an expensive burial plot. Instead, they told us about a military cemetery in Sarasota that is completely free and the most beautiful cemetery I have ever seen. Erin must have been pleased. They have even reserved a place for Mario and I to be buried next to her. What a blessing. A Mormon Bishop in Germany who is military was responsible for mortuary affairs there. When he found out we were Mormon, he worked through the weekend to expedite Erin's arrival to Florida. He dressed her in his own daughter's clothing and even donated a beautiful casket. We knew she was in good hands while in Germany. What a relief!
Another tender mercy is the AF allowing us to return to Nebraska to be with Eric as he started college. I resisted coming back to Nebraska due to the winters, but how grateful I am to be back by Eric and all my friends who have been so wonderful. They invite me to walk, to lunch, to pedicures, and all sorts of other things. They are a great and needed distraction. Heavenly Father knew Nebraska is where I needed to be.
When we told our friends that we were returning, they started driving around for hours looking for us a home. Becky Jones put her kids in the car and drove up and down every street in Papillion. She found us a beautiful home to rent that was $500 under our housing allowance and well below market value.
Our friends here held a beautiful Memorial service for Erin. They let us be involved as little or as much as we wanted. So Mario chose to speak and so did Zach. I finished his talk when he got too emotional to finish. The piano teacher chose a butterfly song to play from one of Erin's piano books. Little did she know that a butterfly theme had started to develop in the Florida service, and continued in Papillion Memorial service.
Another blessing has been all the people that have come forward and confided in us about their own abuse and how it has affected them, some even admitting to contemplating or attempting suicide in the past. Their willingness to open up to us has helped us understand Erin in a whole new light.
When I first returned to Omaha, in fact, still staying in a hotel, I felt Erin tell me the same message two nights in a row when I went to cook dinner. I hadn't cooked for a month and that was something that was hard to do because it was something that Erin and I enjoyed doing together. Her message to me was that she is ok and she is happy now and that she loves me. While at the temple right after that, I felt her tell me that she was with me. Unfortunately, I haven't gotten any more messages from her but I do dream of her often. I miss her terribly, but I know she is where she is supposed to be. I know that doesn't make much sense considering it was a suicide. But, Heavenly Father told me he was taking her home and to prepare myself. So I can only conclude that he takes his children home in all different manners, car accidents, diseases, and even suicide. But in a way that makes sense because many are suffering from mental illness and to me, that's no different that dying from cancer.
Mario and I are changed people. We hope that we are becoming the people that Heavenly Father want us to become. We have more love and compassion or others. It hurts me more than ever to see people in pain. I just hope that I can be our Savior's "hands" to help them through whatever trial they are going through.
People can't understand why I am doing as well I am doing. And honestly, I thought if I lost a child, I wouldn't be able to survive. What people don't understand is the peace that Heavenly Father gives you as well. He took my child, but he gave me the peace and comfort (and countless tender mercies) I need to endure this difficult trial.
